Hey Fresh, while I was at work watching a prostitution bust go down in the parking lot, I saw a very attractive female officer. How do you approach an attractive female officer without ending up in cuffs involuntarily?
-Big Tony
Bone Fresh: Well Tony, the important thing to remember is that female police officers aren’t any different than any other female, so some of the same basic rules and approaches still apply. You don’t want to come on too strong, subtlety is good. Also, you want to seem a bit aloof, there’s a reason girls like it when guys play hard to get. They figure that if you’re too easy, there’s not that much to you. Girls hate it when guys don’t show any initiative, when they can be directed and controlled like obedient little dogs.
So that means, if you’re interested in showing a female officer that you’re worth her time, don’t let her stern demeanor fool you. She doesn’t REALLY want a submissive. When she tells you to “Step out of the vehicle” maybe try asking her whether your pants should stay inside. Or, perhaps that instead she might want to get in…in the backseat. The rules of mating are universal: we pursue that which retreats from us. So it might help to remember the words, paraphrased for the situation, of Hunter S. Thompson “Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a female cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make her chase you. She will follow.”
wusspie: Yeah Tony, push her to her theoretical limit. Put your hands up when she asks you to put them behind your head. Keep telling her “you didn’t do nothing” when she obviously knows that you did, in fact, do something. Throw that little baggie filled with paraphernalia in the bushes when she’s got you in a high speed, foot pursuit and then deny its existence after she’s tackled you to the ground. And, if at all possible, do all of this without wearing a shirt. Keep pushing her buttons… and maybe you’ll get lucky and be popping the buttons on her uniform later that evening.
Roamless Hudson: While something in Fresh and wusspie’s advice seems a bit off, I’m not going to question them because – believe it or not – I have never actually had any interaction with a female cop (other than the stellar Thurston Moore song of the same name). I did, however, roll with a female paramedic for a while, and let me tell you, Big Tony, female paramedics are bad news. She constantly told stories about how she saved this or that person’s life the night before, and she never wanted to listen to me when I started talking about the sick band I had recently seen.
You would think she would have at least given me expert advice when medical situations arose, but she didn’t. One time I thought my friend was in a coma from having had bit too much to drink. I called her and she came over right away, and told me we had to rush my friend to the hospital or risk losing him. After the ambulance dropped him off at the hospital and the nurse took a look at him, I found out that he hadn’t, in fact, had a drop to drink all night, and that he was actually just in a really deep sleep from having taken a prescribed sleeping pill. Needless to say, knowing this particular chick paramedic has soured me on the whole lot of ‘em.
Bone Fresh: Uh…right.
Anyway, I have a question for you Tony. You say you were gazing longingly at this female officer in the midst of a prostitution bust. I’m curious, are you SURE the object of your affection was indeed a cop? Is it possible that you might instead have observed a member of the oldest profession who caters to people with a particular affinity for uniformed authority figures? Because if that’s the case, your question becomes infinitely easier to answer…a crisp clean $20 might be all the pickup line you need.
Just make sure you know ahead of time. You don’t want to make the same mistake Antonio Henton did.
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