Buffets: Fat or Phat?

wusspie: I had the recent misfortune of being "golden" corralled into eating at a local, american, buffet-style restaurant. I was initially intrigued by the slew of flavorful aromas that met my olfactory system upon entering the establishment, but was soon horrified by what my eyes beheld. I was instantly transported back to my childhood, where I would visit my grandfather's farm and watch as he fed the pigs. Visions of stampeding oinkers to the feedin' trough rocked my brain, weakened my knees, leaving me faint. But this was not grandpa's barn, these animals were not pigs, this food was not... well, I guess it could be considered "slop". Even worse than my personal experience, however, was the sickening thought that this exact same scene was playing out day after day in thousands of locations across our great country. And then! - I thought of Fresh. I thought, "What would Fresh think of this terrible, terrible place?"

Bone Fresh: Ahhhh, the buffet. While the method of serving food in a line as opposed to having it delivered by your server is hardly a new idea (The style of serving has its roots in French and Swedish traditions with the buffet and the smörgåsbord respectively), it is a truly American bastardization of the concept that has given us the unsightly temples to excessive and unnessecary consumption that are all-you-can-eat buffets. The farm imagery used both by you wusspie and the Golden Corral that inspired your question is quite apt. The difference of course is that hogs are net producers of food. You can feed them things that no other species in their right mind would eat, and in the end it gets turned into delicious, tasty pork products. Humans consuming the garbage shoveled out at all you can eat buffets just get fat.

One of the most amusing aspects of these monstrosities is the "salad bar" portion of them. I suppose it's there to make people feel like they're being healthy by eating something that has a bit of color to it (as opposed to the almost uniformly tan/brown color of the breading on the massive amounts of fried things). But just because a plate has a bit of green on it, doesn't mean you're a weightwatchers all-star. I recently saw a woman waddle up to the trough of a salad bar, only to fill it with mounds of meat, cheese, full fat, creamy dressing and some sort of crunchy fried things. By the time she was done, it looked more like a plate of dog vomit than anything remotely resembling a healthy salad. (Although, in her defense this woman may have had some sort of mental impairment, as she was wearing cut-off jean shorts and had failed to remove a bluetooth earpiece from her ear. I can't imagine anyone in full possession of their faculties would willingly go out dressed in such a manner.)

Roamless Hudson: I don't know where to start on this one, Fresh, but I will say that despite my status as a recovering lardo-fatass, I will defend my beloved buffets to the death! As usual, you're viciously deriding one of the great features of American society because of your rabid hatred for the people who overindulge in that feature.

Sure, a lot of people who eat at buffets aren't as health-conscious as they should be, but that in no way detracts from the blessing that buffets are to you and me. Where else can you get what you want to eat in the exact portion that you desire? Tonight, I might want to eat a sensible salad, a pound of ham, one chicken leg, and three cups of soft-serve ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. Tomorrow, I might want to eat three baked potatoes, two slices of ham, four chicken breasts, some green beans, some carrots, a few scoops of baked beans, and one cup of ice cream with nuts. And the next day I might want to eat a giant vat of mashed potatoes and two cups of ice cream liberally drenched in hot fudge. Oh man, I can taste it now.

Where else do we have the freedom to eat like this? Not at Applebees, that's for damned sure. And don't tell me that the food at buffets is inferior. Sure, maybe it's not the best, but we don't go to buffets to eat fine cuisine, we go to buffets to eat like Americans. Remember, Fresh, not everyone is like you. Unlike you, the average American doesn't get to eat at Lindey's or The Refectory a few times a week, and when we're not out enjoying fine dining, we don't have a hot wife putting a gourmet meal on the table the moment we get home from a hard day of fixing the world's problems. We're just regular American people with regular American appetites. Buffets rule!

Bone Fresh: Roamless, perhaps you should take a close look at both your affinity for consuming the lowest common denominator of food and your romantic problems. My sister recently related the story of how, during a date she was on, the date informed her that he really liked Golden Corral. She said she would have gotten up then and there, except he had driven. And a cab home wasn't a viable option.

You claim that buffets are as American as apple pie and baseball. But while apple pie might be woven into the cultural fabric of this country, eating an entire one certainly isn't. In one respect you're right, recent developments in American society do seem to support your fat-friendly position. After all, when people are so willing to waste their money on literally tons of cheap plastic crap imported from China, why should their food consumption habits be any different?

But I take issue with your description of buffet food as anything better than that destined for the landfill. In reality, if all one were to consume is buffet food, eventually evolution would get rid of the entire digestive tract; it's the same going in as coming out. (Notable exceptions being certain buffets in say, Vegas, such as at the Bellagio.) You obviously won't see the light based on traditional forms reasoning, let me appeal to something even more American than the right to be a gluttonous pig. Money.

That's right, buffets are necessarily a losing proposition. There is no way you can actually be getting your money's worth when you go to a buffet. These are businesses after all, so they have to generate a net profit. (And by the way that they're springing up around every corner, they're obviously making money hand over fist.) That means, that of the low low price of $7.99, only a fraction of that actually pays for the food. Think about that for a moment. Think how low quality the "food" must be for it to be possible to turn a profit while still allowing a person to eat as much of it as they want. Remember, Homer Simpson is a fictional character.

It's mo-rons like you who defend as American these inane aspects of modern society that prevent any real change from occurring. I'm not un-American for wanting people to eat smaller portions of better food. I care greatly about them and want to see this country flourish anew as people begin to shed their chains that keep them bound, Charlie Weiss-like to their Rascals. In order to realize our full potential, we need change in this country, change in what we feed on. So, I call on the CEO of Golden Corral and the CEO of OCB and all the others, Mr. CEOs, tear down your walls!

And Mr. or Ms. Buffet goer, take your price of admission, take it to the grocery store. Buy a portion of quality food with that money, take it home and cook it. You'll be surprised at what actual food tastes like. Don't worry that this will require too much time. There is no need for fear, it won't take any more time than your traditional 15 trips to the buffet line. And later, when you're done, you'll have enough energy to do more than fall asleep, drooling in front of the T.V..

As for you Roamless, feel free to keep eating at those buffets if you want. But when you keel over from a heart attack at the tender age of 28, don't expect me to be around to give you CPR. I'll be out running a 5k while consuming a tomato that was picked fresh from my garden that morning.